I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She's the barista slut.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
