I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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