the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
