So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
