Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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