I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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