I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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