my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
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