I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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