He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
