Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
