Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
