why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize