I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am one with the molecules
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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