and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
