you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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