i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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