you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
