He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
