I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm passing your future prison.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
