You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
