He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
