She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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