Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
