He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
