everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
