Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
