Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
As shirtless as possible
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
