I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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