i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize