everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
