I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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