I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
