Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
