Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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