Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
