Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
