mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize