My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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