On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
