So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
