I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
