Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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