Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
