We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
