You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
