I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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