Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
