dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
