it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
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