Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
