im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
