You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
