Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
