I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
