I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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