Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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