New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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