Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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