u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why do cheetos always look like penises
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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