Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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