Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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