u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
