Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
