I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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